Pay No Attention to That Man Behind the Curtain...

Florence, SC


Ok, so I went off a little bit last night. Having slept on it and given more thought to my remarks, I would like to clarify a few things.

I realize the whole thing comes across as self-serving and maybe even disingenuous. My response would be that that was kind of the point. I felt in need of catharsis. As I get older, I find myself becoming more and more philisophical and introspective. I'm 27 and single and feel as though my number one priority right now is to get my life in order. I have been very conscious in recent months about where my life is, where I want to be and what I need to do to get there. I just wanted to have an episode of self-disclosure. I wanted to turn a mirror on myself in an effort to know myself better. I just want to be a better person. For myself, my family and my friends. This was just a step in the process.


Curiosity of the Day

Well, this one came bright and early in the morning. It's never a good thing when someone bangs on your door in a big truck (unless you're at a customer who is finished loading/unloading your trailer). It's usually someone begging or needing you to move. Or maybe a cop if you're illegally parked (*guilty*). Or they're selling something. In this case, ass. I had a chick bang on my door at 6:30 in the morning and ask me if wanted a "date".

You know, it's amazing how disoriented you can be in the first minutes upon waking. It's almost like being drunk. I had no intention of paying for sex, but my initial thought was: "there's no way this lot lizard can be this cute." Looking down at her from my cab about four feet above her head, she just looked hot. I declined her offer. She flashed a smile and moved on. I spent a few minutes gathering my wits and preparing to hit the road. About ten or so minutes later she wandered back by with a large, scary looking black man who I suppose was her husband/boyfriend/pimp/bodyguard. I was awake now and aware of myself. Without the erstwhile drunk goggles, I realized this lady was at least 15 years older than I first imagined. The breasts which from high above had looked full and inviting, were, in fact, sagging and much smaller. The high angle had also masked a thickening midsection. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't a complete hag like I had heard some lot lizards are. She just looked like a forty year old woman. There's nothing wrong with looking like a forty year woman, unless you're wearing cute girly clothes and sandals and a snazzy hairdo and trying to pass yourself off as tweny-two. Unless you've got Madonna's body, you just look comical, if not grotesque.


Any Questions? Any Comments? Be Quiet As You Go.

Hello, Allow Me to Introduce Myself...

Madison, GA


My posts lately have been a bit irregular and for that I apologize, as much to myself as to my readers. I have had a few things stewing in my mind for the last few days and I wanted to contemplate a bit more before offering any comment on them. This blog has not really been what I would like it to be, so far. It has primarily been a travelogue of my experiences on the road, which is interesting enough, I suppose. I would just like to inject more of my own personality into what I record here. Who I am. Who I want to be. My dreams. My fears. My longings. My rants.

Now, the truth. Who am I? I always joke that I don't really know. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. I know I have a disturbing tendency to be self-serving. I usually think in terms of what is happening in MY life. What is going on in MY world? How is this going to affect ME? I recognize that this does me little good and I am concentrating on and giving more time and energy to being a positive influence to those around me. The problem is that I spend 24 out of 28 days all by myself in this truck. Not exactly conducive to acts of selflessness.

But I am trying. It is in my mind. It's the reason I would imagine my ex-wife would give for the failure of our marriage. She would be partly correct, in my opinion. I think it was an effect, not the cause. In the movie, As Good As It Gets, Helen Hunt's character asks Jack Nicholson's to pay her a genuine compliment or she's gonna walk. After some hemming and hawing, he finally comes out with what I believe is the greatest compliment any man can give any woman. "You make me want to be a better man". That's powerful. It's speaks of inspiration. It's speaks of aspiring to be greater than oneself. It is what we all strive for and what I believe is the key ingredient of any sucessful long-term relationship. It was also sadly lacking in my marriage. At least for me. I know we both felt that we did our best to meet each other halfway, but it just wasn't good enough for either of us and that's what made awful. There just wasn't enough in the relationship for me to be good enough for her. Or her me. And that's just the cold, hard truth.

Let's see, how else can I tear myself down. I've never been very good at developing close friendships. I can honestly say that there are only two people in the world, not in my family, that I trust completely and could talk to about anything. I would hope they know who they are. Maybe I'm making much ado about nothing. Maybe I'm lucky to have those two. I do know that you can never have enough friends in this world. I just wish I was better at sustaining and improving the friendships I have. This all stems from my intense desire to liked. It was really bad growing up through high school and early on in college. It was so bad I was almost socially crippled. I was trying so hard, I really wasn't getting anywhere. Actually, it's not being liked that was driving me. It was not being disliked. I am uncomfortable with conflict and want everyone to get along and be happy and enjoy my company so much that I repressed more abrasive aspects of my personality to be accomodating.

But this denied people, I think, to see a more complete me. A more obnoxious me. Trust me, my obnoxiousness knows no bounds. If you don't believe me, ask my sister Jessica. I love to be the center of attention. It's probably a character flaw, but I am who I am. I'm arrogant and egocentric to an alarming degree. It has its drawbacks and advantages. It gives me the self-confidence I need to pursue a career as a performer. But it has blinded me at times to the world around me. I can be oblivious to the thoughts and feelings of others. I could never get my ex-wife to understand that when I didn't hear all of what she was saying, it wasn't that I didn't love her. I was just so deep in my own little world, that she needed to give me a bit of a transition period to allow me to regroup and throw my concentration her way. To boil all this down succinctly, I just take myself too damn seriously (as if the length and nature of this post didn't clue you in to that already). I'm convinced that the only woman who could be truly happy with me has to be secure enough in herself to not need to take me seriously at all. She would also have to be able to give as good as she gets. If you're not up for some vigorous verbal sparring (all in good fun, of course), you probably won't be able to stand me for very long. I need someone who is centered and knows who she is. I'm the insecure one. I know this sounds like bullshit, but my ex-wife was the antithesis of this ideal and we were both miserable and insecure. We both hated it.

I don't want to run myself down too much. I feel I have positive qualities as well. I am fiercely loyal to the people I do get close too. I can become so attached to my closest friends and relations, that I can get on their nerves, as more than one person who might read this can attest to [J.G.?? ;-)]. I mentioned fears at the beginning. I think my greatest fear in the world is being alone and not having any friends. It terrifies me and that's why I try so hard.

Yes, yes, positives. I love life. I have immense appetities (and not just for food) and love to enjoy myself and see that others have a good time. I live to please. There is nothing I love more than this. I'm this intensely social creature who is uncomfortable being sociable. How bizarre is that? My idea of a perfect evening is to sit with a few friends, have a few drinks and play some cards. I love to play card games. I come from card-playing folk. People who play for blood. People who will play canasta or pinochle for hours on end and days at a time. I love to cook and I think I'm pretty good at it. If I wasn't a musician, I would have seriously pursued a career as a chef. I love food. I love to cook it. I love to eat it. It's as much fun as anything else in my life.

I suppose now is as good a time as any to mention my lifelong love affair with profanity. I'm like the father in A Christmas Story. "My father worked in profanity the way other artists worked in clay or oils. A true master!" That about sums me up. But I also have sense of propriety and know when to dial it down a notch.

I really am a good guy. All my drama and posturing is all meant in fun. I have never intentionally hurt anyone in my life. I'm all about love and information, baby!

Well, I guess I've had enough introspection for one night. For those of you who made it to the end, thank you for your patience and understanding. I love you all.


Curiosity of the Day

I drove around Atlanta today and saw, for the first time in my life, an actual Lamborghini. It was beautiful. Unfortunately, I'll never be able to fit into one. And even if I did, I probably wouldn't be able to get out again.


Any Questions? Any Comments? Be Quiet As You Go.

Grudge Post

Marsten, MO


Maybe Grudge Post is a bad title. Maybe not. I'm not holding a grudge or angry or anything, I just haven't posted anything in several days and feel like a should. To maintain continuity.

Truth is, there hasn't been much of interest in my life the last few days. A little same-old, same-old. I did get a trip to Colorado. That doesn't happen often. The company I drive for is one of the largest in the country, and as such, they tend to keep their solo drivers regionalized. I rarely get sent west of I-35 (Laredo, Dallas, Oklahoma City, Kansas City, Des Moines, Minneapolis/St Paul, Duluth, etc. It essentially cuts the country in half). It's a pretty boring drive west of Kansas City on I-70, really. Kansas is 424 miles of a whole lotta nothing.

Still and all, it's interesting in a way. It's so flat and devoid of trees, you feel as though you're on the ocean. At least that's how far you can see in any direction. And it stays like that all the way to Denver. And there they are. The Rocky Mountains. They just spring up out of nowhere. It's as flat as flat can be for 600 miles, and then, within about 20-30 miles west of Denver, you've almost doubled your altitude from about 5000 feet to about 9000-10000 feet. It happens fast. Fortunately, I didn't have to go over the mountains this time. It's still snowing pretty regularly there and it's just a nightmare, so I have been told. I've been over the Rocky's in my truck once, but that was last summer. It's really beautiful there. Kinda makes you understand why John Denver couldn't shut up about them. ;-)

I drove around the Denver metro area (which has THE most horrendous smog of any big city I've been to, including L.A.) for about half the day making my delivery and then picking up my next load. I looked up at those mountains and was a bit overwhelmed. I can only imagine what early pioneers thought when they came upon them for the first time on their oxen-powered wagons and such. It had to be mind-boggling. "You gotta be freakin kiddin me" comes to mind. It explains why there are so many towns at the foot of the mountains along I-25. Most of Colorado's population lives along here. Still and all, it was a beatiful sight. And here at twistedyoda, we're all about love and information baby!


Curiosity of the Day
In western Kansas, along I-70, you will see signs in both directions advertising a roadside attraction whose featured act is a five-legged steer. O_o


Any Questions? Any Comments? Be Quiet As You Go.

Musings...

Warrenton, MO


Today was a thinking day. A pondering day. Every once in a while, I just need to kill the radio and fly quiet. Let my mind wander. I thought about old friends and old flames. Broader horizons and missed opportunities. I thought about what has come to pass and what might come to be. I thought about the here and now, yesterday and tomorrow. I thought about dreams, both physical and metaphysical. I asked myself questions and would hope that maybe I found an answer or two.

I once had an interesting conversation with another truck driver at a diner. He was about 60 or so and looked like a career truck driver. He was the very definition of grizzled. It turned out that he and I drive for the same company. He asked me how long I had been driving. "About six months," I replied. He looked at me and said, "Unless you want to do this the rest of your life, I suggest you quit after nine. Any longer than that, and this job will steal your heart from you and you'll never want to do anything else again."

Little did he know that my heart was stolen long ago. But it's days like today that make me see the wisdom of his words and how easily that could happen to someone.


I am everything to all people.
I am nothing to myself.
I am frozen in a prison of mine own design.
I Labor.
Ponderous is it's name and forever does it loom.



Curiosity of the Day

I drove through a town called Dothan in Alabama yesterday (Home of the National Peanut Festival!!). As I was entering town, I saw a billboard advertising a biker shop a ways up the road called The Skuffed Butt. I love this country.


Any Questions? Any Comments? Be Quiet As You Go?

A Horse is a Horse, Of Course, Of Course...

Pearl, MS

Okay, so I'm driving through Texas yesterday. I had stayed the night in Dallas and had to head up to Wichita Falls to pick up my next load. My route took me through Fort Worth. For those of you who have never been to Fort Worth, it tends to get overshadowed by Dallas, a mere 30 miles to the east. But it's a fair sized city in it's own right, roughly twice the size of Cincinnati. Now, one of the things that has struck me since I started driving is the copious amounts of roadkill I pass in a given day. Deer, dogs, possums, raccoons, rabbits just creamed all over the highway. I've even seen smushed gator in Florida.

So, I'm coming into Ft. Worth and traffic comes to a screeching halt. I see lights flashing up ahead, so I'm thinking (Johnny Cash's I've Been Everywhere just came up on the playlist-funny) it's an accident or maybe construction. I get over to the middle lane to go around and as I come past the police car, I see what the impediment is. Someone, in the middle of downtown Ft Worth, TX had struck and killed a horse. At least I think it was a horse, but I suppose it could have been a mule or donkey. I thought at first it was a cow, then I saw the elongated head. And it must have been a semi that did it. The carcass was pretty torn up and there was no sign of automobile debris. If a car had hit a horse going fast enough to that much damage to the horse, there would have been at least a smidge of wreckage.


"Smidge" is a funny word. If you move the "s" to the end and change it to a "t", you get "midget". I mean, how many other words can say that? Probably not many since individual words, as a general rule, are incapable of boasting.


Any Questions? Any Comments? Be Quiet As You Go.