Hello, Allow Me to Introduce Myself...
Madison, GA
My posts lately have been a bit irregular and for that I apologize, as much to myself as to my readers. I have had a few things stewing in my mind for the last few days and I wanted to contemplate a bit more before offering any comment on them. This blog has not really been what I would like it to be, so far. It has primarily been a travelogue of my experiences on the road, which is interesting enough, I suppose. I would just like to inject more of my own personality into what I record here. Who I am. Who I want to be. My dreams. My fears. My longings. My rants.
Now, the truth. Who am I? I always joke that I don't really know. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. I know I have a disturbing tendency to be self-serving. I usually think in terms of what is happening in MY life. What is going on in MY world? How is this going to affect ME? I recognize that this does me little good and I am concentrating on and giving more time and energy to being a positive influence to those around me. The problem is that I spend 24 out of 28 days all by myself in this truck. Not exactly conducive to acts of selflessness.
But I am trying. It is in my mind. It's the reason I would imagine my ex-wife would give for the failure of our marriage. She would be partly correct, in my opinion. I think it was an effect, not the cause. In the movie, As Good As It Gets, Helen Hunt's character asks Jack Nicholson's to pay her a genuine compliment or she's gonna walk. After some hemming and hawing, he finally comes out with what I believe is the greatest compliment any man can give any woman. "You make me want to be a better man". That's powerful. It's speaks of inspiration. It's speaks of aspiring to be greater than oneself. It is what we all strive for and what I believe is the key ingredient of any sucessful long-term relationship. It was also sadly lacking in my marriage. At least for me. I know we both felt that we did our best to meet each other halfway, but it just wasn't good enough for either of us and that's what made awful. There just wasn't enough in the relationship for me to be good enough for her. Or her me. And that's just the cold, hard truth.
Let's see, how else can I tear myself down. I've never been very good at developing close friendships. I can honestly say that there are only two people in the world, not in my family, that I trust completely and could talk to about anything. I would hope they know who they are. Maybe I'm making much ado about nothing. Maybe I'm lucky to have those two. I do know that you can never have enough friends in this world. I just wish I was better at sustaining and improving the friendships I have. This all stems from my intense desire to liked. It was really bad growing up through high school and early on in college. It was so bad I was almost socially crippled. I was trying so hard, I really wasn't getting anywhere. Actually, it's not being liked that was driving me. It was not being disliked. I am uncomfortable with conflict and want everyone to get along and be happy and enjoy my company so much that I repressed more abrasive aspects of my personality to be accomodating.
But this denied people, I think, to see a more complete me. A more obnoxious me. Trust me, my obnoxiousness knows no bounds. If you don't believe me, ask my sister Jessica. I love to be the center of attention. It's probably a character flaw, but I am who I am. I'm arrogant and egocentric to an alarming degree. It has its drawbacks and advantages. It gives me the self-confidence I need to pursue a career as a performer. But it has blinded me at times to the world around me. I can be oblivious to the thoughts and feelings of others. I could never get my ex-wife to understand that when I didn't hear all of what she was saying, it wasn't that I didn't love her. I was just so deep in my own little world, that she needed to give me a bit of a transition period to allow me to regroup and throw my concentration her way. To boil all this down succinctly, I just take myself too damn seriously (as if the length and nature of this post didn't clue you in to that already). I'm convinced that the only woman who could be truly happy with me has to be secure enough in herself to not need to take me seriously at all. She would also have to be able to give as good as she gets. If you're not up for some vigorous verbal sparring (all in good fun, of course), you probably won't be able to stand me for very long. I need someone who is centered and knows who she is. I'm the insecure one. I know this sounds like bullshit, but my ex-wife was the antithesis of this ideal and we were both miserable and insecure. We both hated it.
I don't want to run myself down too much. I feel I have positive qualities as well. I am fiercely loyal to the people I do get close too. I can become so attached to my closest friends and relations, that I can get on their nerves, as more than one person who might read this can attest to [J.G.?? ;-)]. I mentioned fears at the beginning. I think my greatest fear in the world is being alone and not having any friends. It terrifies me and that's why I try so hard.
Yes, yes, positives. I love life. I have immense appetities (and not just for food) and love to enjoy myself and see that others have a good time. I live to please. There is nothing I love more than this. I'm this intensely social creature who is uncomfortable being sociable. How bizarre is that? My idea of a perfect evening is to sit with a few friends, have a few drinks and play some cards. I love to play card games. I come from card-playing folk. People who play for blood. People who will play canasta or pinochle for hours on end and days at a time. I love to cook and I think I'm pretty good at it. If I wasn't a musician, I would have seriously pursued a career as a chef. I love food. I love to cook it. I love to eat it. It's as much fun as anything else in my life.
I suppose now is as good a time as any to mention my lifelong love affair with profanity. I'm like the father in A Christmas Story. "My father worked in profanity the way other artists worked in clay or oils. A true master!" That about sums me up. But I also have sense of propriety and know when to dial it down a notch.
I really am a good guy. All my drama and posturing is all meant in fun. I have never intentionally hurt anyone in my life. I'm all about love and information, baby!
Well, I guess I've had enough introspection for one night. For those of you who made it to the end, thank you for your patience and understanding. I love you all.
Curiosity of the Day
I drove around Atlanta today and saw, for the first time in my life, an actual Lamborghini. It was beautiful. Unfortunately, I'll never be able to fit into one. And even if I did, I probably wouldn't be able to get out again.
Any Questions? Any Comments? Be Quiet As You Go.
My posts lately have been a bit irregular and for that I apologize, as much to myself as to my readers. I have had a few things stewing in my mind for the last few days and I wanted to contemplate a bit more before offering any comment on them. This blog has not really been what I would like it to be, so far. It has primarily been a travelogue of my experiences on the road, which is interesting enough, I suppose. I would just like to inject more of my own personality into what I record here. Who I am. Who I want to be. My dreams. My fears. My longings. My rants.
Now, the truth. Who am I? I always joke that I don't really know. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. I know I have a disturbing tendency to be self-serving. I usually think in terms of what is happening in MY life. What is going on in MY world? How is this going to affect ME? I recognize that this does me little good and I am concentrating on and giving more time and energy to being a positive influence to those around me. The problem is that I spend 24 out of 28 days all by myself in this truck. Not exactly conducive to acts of selflessness.
But I am trying. It is in my mind. It's the reason I would imagine my ex-wife would give for the failure of our marriage. She would be partly correct, in my opinion. I think it was an effect, not the cause. In the movie, As Good As It Gets, Helen Hunt's character asks Jack Nicholson's to pay her a genuine compliment or she's gonna walk. After some hemming and hawing, he finally comes out with what I believe is the greatest compliment any man can give any woman. "You make me want to be a better man". That's powerful. It's speaks of inspiration. It's speaks of aspiring to be greater than oneself. It is what we all strive for and what I believe is the key ingredient of any sucessful long-term relationship. It was also sadly lacking in my marriage. At least for me. I know we both felt that we did our best to meet each other halfway, but it just wasn't good enough for either of us and that's what made awful. There just wasn't enough in the relationship for me to be good enough for her. Or her me. And that's just the cold, hard truth.
Let's see, how else can I tear myself down. I've never been very good at developing close friendships. I can honestly say that there are only two people in the world, not in my family, that I trust completely and could talk to about anything. I would hope they know who they are. Maybe I'm making much ado about nothing. Maybe I'm lucky to have those two. I do know that you can never have enough friends in this world. I just wish I was better at sustaining and improving the friendships I have. This all stems from my intense desire to liked. It was really bad growing up through high school and early on in college. It was so bad I was almost socially crippled. I was trying so hard, I really wasn't getting anywhere. Actually, it's not being liked that was driving me. It was not being disliked. I am uncomfortable with conflict and want everyone to get along and be happy and enjoy my company so much that I repressed more abrasive aspects of my personality to be accomodating.
But this denied people, I think, to see a more complete me. A more obnoxious me. Trust me, my obnoxiousness knows no bounds. If you don't believe me, ask my sister Jessica. I love to be the center of attention. It's probably a character flaw, but I am who I am. I'm arrogant and egocentric to an alarming degree. It has its drawbacks and advantages. It gives me the self-confidence I need to pursue a career as a performer. But it has blinded me at times to the world around me. I can be oblivious to the thoughts and feelings of others. I could never get my ex-wife to understand that when I didn't hear all of what she was saying, it wasn't that I didn't love her. I was just so deep in my own little world, that she needed to give me a bit of a transition period to allow me to regroup and throw my concentration her way. To boil all this down succinctly, I just take myself too damn seriously (as if the length and nature of this post didn't clue you in to that already). I'm convinced that the only woman who could be truly happy with me has to be secure enough in herself to not need to take me seriously at all. She would also have to be able to give as good as she gets. If you're not up for some vigorous verbal sparring (all in good fun, of course), you probably won't be able to stand me for very long. I need someone who is centered and knows who she is. I'm the insecure one. I know this sounds like bullshit, but my ex-wife was the antithesis of this ideal and we were both miserable and insecure. We both hated it.
I don't want to run myself down too much. I feel I have positive qualities as well. I am fiercely loyal to the people I do get close too. I can become so attached to my closest friends and relations, that I can get on their nerves, as more than one person who might read this can attest to [J.G.?? ;-)]. I mentioned fears at the beginning. I think my greatest fear in the world is being alone and not having any friends. It terrifies me and that's why I try so hard.
Yes, yes, positives. I love life. I have immense appetities (and not just for food) and love to enjoy myself and see that others have a good time. I live to please. There is nothing I love more than this. I'm this intensely social creature who is uncomfortable being sociable. How bizarre is that? My idea of a perfect evening is to sit with a few friends, have a few drinks and play some cards. I love to play card games. I come from card-playing folk. People who play for blood. People who will play canasta or pinochle for hours on end and days at a time. I love to cook and I think I'm pretty good at it. If I wasn't a musician, I would have seriously pursued a career as a chef. I love food. I love to cook it. I love to eat it. It's as much fun as anything else in my life.
I suppose now is as good a time as any to mention my lifelong love affair with profanity. I'm like the father in A Christmas Story. "My father worked in profanity the way other artists worked in clay or oils. A true master!" That about sums me up. But I also have sense of propriety and know when to dial it down a notch.
I really am a good guy. All my drama and posturing is all meant in fun. I have never intentionally hurt anyone in my life. I'm all about love and information, baby!
Well, I guess I've had enough introspection for one night. For those of you who made it to the end, thank you for your patience and understanding. I love you all.
Curiosity of the Day
I drove around Atlanta today and saw, for the first time in my life, an actual Lamborghini. It was beautiful. Unfortunately, I'll never be able to fit into one. And even if I did, I probably wouldn't be able to get out again.
Any Questions? Any Comments? Be Quiet As You Go.
posted by twistedyoda | 3/11/2006 09:10:00 PM
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